The Ongoing Reality Show Fiction
May 10, 2007
Problems With Crane Fly
Alright, so the entire space station is covered in crane flies. They're everywhere, they're all over my quarters. One of them flew through my Solar System Hologram map and left this wierd hole in Saturn. One of them flew near my mouth whilst I was brushing my teeth and then I had to brush them again. Every day my space cat managed to murder about two or three hundred by jumping from my couch and swinging wildly at the dense cloud of flies which gathered around my lamp. Eventually the swarm demonstrated a sinister intelligence and collectively picked her up and flew her into the airlock. She managed to override the door controls and escape before they launched her into space but once she told me about the whole episode I realised I needed to up my game. Previously I'd just been applying double insect repellent and using an old Lynx "Africa" deoderant aerosol and a lighter as a crude flame thrower to clear a path to wherever I needed to go but if the crane flies were up to actually harassing a mammal then it was only a matter of time before they came after me, and there was no way I was going down because of some low ass Diptera. Motherfuckers can't even be bothered to evolve lungs.
So I decide to head down to the repair bay because I know Ahmed would be there fixing the aft deflector array. I rig my desk fan to one of my particle batteries and use it to clear a path through the flies as I head down the three floors to the repair bay. When I finnally get there I find Ahmed has turned the main satellite dish into a bowl and is skating it on a nine inch wide pool board.
I turn off the fan.
"Hey AHMED," Ahmed clicks up the coping and stands on the ledge and I yell again, "Hey, HEY AHMED."
"Salaaaaams brother, I'm working on my backside axel stalls."
I'm like "What?"
"I saw this awesome Bones Brigade thing on Google Video, all this kind of old school stuff. Tony Hawk's in it but he's really young."
"Ahmed I'm having a problem with the crane flies."
He takes his helmet off and wipes at his forehead then puts it back on and strokes his beard.
"Crane flies?"
"Yeah Ahmed, the fucking crane flies, they're all over the fucking station. What are we going to do about it? I caught some of them trying to fuck with the RAID array on my machine, this shit has to stop."
"Have you tried praying to Allah almighty?"
"Yeah, sure Ahmed, I prayed like fifty times, he told me to ask you why the fuck we've got so many flies on a fucking space station, are they space flies or something? Because I don't need that kind of problem Ahmed. We need to like, irradiate the entire place and kill them all or something, I don't know."
"These are all Allah's creatures," Ahmed says, holding out his hands like, what can I do? "Maybe their growth has been encouraged due to the recent heat and moisture giving their larvae an ideal environment to thrive in?"
"What?"
"They need moist, leafy debris to feed on and warm weather encourages their reproductive process."
I'm like, flabbergasted. "Ahmed, this is a space station, we don't have any weather or leafy debris. What's the matter with you?"
"Have you considered the hydroponics deck?" Ahmed says as he redoes the strap on his helmet but I'm not listening because I have an idea.
"I got it, I'll just like, replicate some small birds or whatever to EAT all the crane fly, and I can get rid of those with like, hawks or something."
"Have you not heard the story of the woman who swalled the fly?" Ahmed thinks he's so fucking wise, but he's not.
"Ahmed you retard, don't you know that as you climb the food chain you have animals with a larger mass but a lower population density?"
"Of course, Allah Almighty has created everything in balance."
"So eventually there'll only be like, three Centurian Death Worms on board or whatever, and I'll just waste them using my ion blaster." I pat the ion blaster on my hip and smile smugly.
Ahmed looks at me pityingly before he drops back into the satellite dish and pumps around the perimeter a couple of times to build momentum. I turn to leave and behind me, Ahmed flies out of the dish and catches at least 4 foot of air above the main capacitor bank. I hear the sharp click of his landing before the bay doors close and I head through the soft clouds of crane fly towards the replicators. ¶ 1:12 AM 0 Comments
So I decide to head down to the repair bay because I know Ahmed would be there fixing the aft deflector array. I rig my desk fan to one of my particle batteries and use it to clear a path through the flies as I head down the three floors to the repair bay. When I finnally get there I find Ahmed has turned the main satellite dish into a bowl and is skating it on a nine inch wide pool board.
I turn off the fan.
"Hey AHMED," Ahmed clicks up the coping and stands on the ledge and I yell again, "Hey, HEY AHMED."
"Salaaaaams brother, I'm working on my backside axel stalls."
I'm like "What?"
"I saw this awesome Bones Brigade thing on Google Video, all this kind of old school stuff. Tony Hawk's in it but he's really young."
"Ahmed I'm having a problem with the crane flies."
He takes his helmet off and wipes at his forehead then puts it back on and strokes his beard.
"Crane flies?"
"Yeah Ahmed, the fucking crane flies, they're all over the fucking station. What are we going to do about it? I caught some of them trying to fuck with the RAID array on my machine, this shit has to stop."
"Have you tried praying to Allah almighty?"
"Yeah, sure Ahmed, I prayed like fifty times, he told me to ask you why the fuck we've got so many flies on a fucking space station, are they space flies or something? Because I don't need that kind of problem Ahmed. We need to like, irradiate the entire place and kill them all or something, I don't know."
"These are all Allah's creatures," Ahmed says, holding out his hands like, what can I do? "Maybe their growth has been encouraged due to the recent heat and moisture giving their larvae an ideal environment to thrive in?"
"What?"
"They need moist, leafy debris to feed on and warm weather encourages their reproductive process."
I'm like, flabbergasted. "Ahmed, this is a space station, we don't have any weather or leafy debris. What's the matter with you?"
"Have you considered the hydroponics deck?" Ahmed says as he redoes the strap on his helmet but I'm not listening because I have an idea.
"I got it, I'll just like, replicate some small birds or whatever to EAT all the crane fly, and I can get rid of those with like, hawks or something."
"Have you not heard the story of the woman who swalled the fly?" Ahmed thinks he's so fucking wise, but he's not.
"Ahmed you retard, don't you know that as you climb the food chain you have animals with a larger mass but a lower population density?"
"Of course, Allah Almighty has created everything in balance."
"So eventually there'll only be like, three Centurian Death Worms on board or whatever, and I'll just waste them using my ion blaster." I pat the ion blaster on my hip and smile smugly.
Ahmed looks at me pityingly before he drops back into the satellite dish and pumps around the perimeter a couple of times to build momentum. I turn to leave and behind me, Ahmed flies out of the dish and catches at least 4 foot of air above the main capacitor bank. I hear the sharp click of his landing before the bay doors close and I head through the soft clouds of crane fly towards the replicators. ¶ 1:12 AM 0 Comments